Dead Endermission

Night after night I can't seem to stop the cryin

my stomach starts to cramp from all the pain,

by myself Lord what's the point in tryin?

when everyone's advice is all the same;

"stop thinkin the impossible is possible

settle for this mediocre life instead

cause strugglin Josiah the way your bank account been strugglin

nigga you'd be better off playin dead"

all I ever wanted was acceptance

screw money but apparently u need it jus to live

is real love better than a double tap or is that kinda love really just a myth...

hard to keep the faith when love ones doubt me I take there lack of likes comments repost replies an retweets as evidence to an offense

God are you angry wit me? You kno what I've concluded already so in advance I do repent

I'm sorry I'm older wit mad little to show for

I'm sorry I don't have a clue on what to do next Im sorry I cant reach the standard of perfection I'm sorry I hold grudges & desire sex

I'm sorry I thought my worth was more than worthless

I'm sorry I can't help others see the proof

all I wanted was to heal myself an others wit this artistry im makin but I guess since I'm not famous it's not true I guess since I'm not famous I'm not kool enough to notice inna room I guess since I'm not famous it's f$@! me too huh?

these are most the thoughts driftin in my head now I would hide em but really what's the use I could go on a tangent bout social media but its my fault for letting it beat me til I'm blue

I'm just a broken person wit broken language not lookin for no handouts I just wanted to taste an see love was true... yet night after night I can't seem to stop the cryin someone told me these tears would help me

(as I find a picture to post to social media maybe two)

oooo I get so frustrated at the thought of cryin so I refuse to let em fall cause what's the use if I killed my self tonight (after I've posted) I doubt ppl would miss me minus the student loans bill collectors an my landlord when the rent is due

*insert aimless scrolling & double tapping*

don't bother tryna call or tryna text me infact don't even post about me when the funeral is thru the whole time I was checkin up on all my loved ones yet couldn't find the love for the only one who knew

Truly Yours,

Casualty of The Unseen Battle

Velcro Letters

Dear Doubt,

when i second guess myself it seems everyone around me can become questionable left to self assessment but understand thats not on them it's my lack of knowin who I am in the moments of chaos cause of you & i gotta take ownership of my insecurities not lettin you or them ruin me nor the support system of real family friends & ppl around me... i didnt fully let ppl in especially when ish hit tha fan it wasnt til after I believed i made it thru whatever was weighin me down like you that i even remotely began to very lightly express those challenges to other ppl twenty plus years later i came to a point of always holdin that weight alone even when the ppl around me made it clear I could open up to em i regularly declined the offer because of you an it was repetition of that which caused me to go dark not wantin to share wit anybody about the hurt or pain the fears the demons I found myself at war with an of course you; ive always been like this, was my go to excuse when reasoning with you until now...

The Heart Breaks.

notification series: the heart breaks.

when a innocent black man is gun downed there seems to be very little empathy for the family that is now broken & wrenched wit heart ache after losing a father, son, uncle, friend, husband, nephew the devastating lost isn't typically the topic of discussion it's usually about what did he do to deserve this how does this keep happening why does this keep happening his previous record that had nothing to do with the incident if he even had a record. i wanted to take the time to dedicate this piece to the families especially ladies & children who are now blue left asking why or are tired of asking & just mad at the world my heart breaks for them as I try to place myself in their shoes and grow nauseous at the idea of no longer having the positive male figures I grew up wit present how difficult that would be an to me unfortunately it seems history has been on repeat not just wit the shootings but the arrests & ultimately dehumanizing of black men destroying family trees. When the slaves were brought over did you know they purposely split fathers from families? This is still happening yet media & majority people wanna blame the black culture or community but this behavior was learned from somewhere, infact it was learned years ago an passed down from those whom brought us here along with the division amongst ourselves I can't quite express how many of my non-black friends defer to "what about black on black crime?" as if that statistic isn't the same amongst every race or we are to blame for all our hate towards one another hate is taught an I imagine the slave traders & masters specialized in this department using false commentaries an interpretations of the Bible to try an justify their own agenda but I can assure you that's not whom God is what frustrates me about this is the fact that it's history we don't even learn about in schools to which I question why? But when I think about who wrote the history books & whose in position to change school curriculums I smh in frustration nonetheless I can't let this keep me from continuing to be the best version of me I can be this is all just context to what brings me to creating pieces like these now that you have context id like to explain the layers of the piece itself

the 2 blues represent the history of brokenness amongst the children & ladies of the families that lost innocent loved ones to fear or hatred an if you see the light blue stripe on the side seems to be disconnected or fading away that specifically reps the killers who get off Scott free it seems as if they're trying to erase the history of the innocent right in front of me an while there names get demoted to pound signs & hashtags we have to educate ourselves to remember the history of the dads past or sons uncles husbands cousins friends coworkers all the above most of all humans whom died from the lack of love... the female hand is what appears to take place when the mother becomes both parents an carries the weight of the family now she seems to be all alone yet while not to many offer to help few are willing most are watching & waiting for her to fail to blame the culture an not the culprit for the lack of unity the outburst of anger the hate that screws both you an me man how do we come alongside to break this cycle of scrutiny it starts wit me it starts wit you change inside of self is what love would do without it the results won't be nothing of change nothing new this is just another sliver of why it's important I make it known daily that "hope exists agape validates you." Me being you, you being us that us meaning more than a few humanity is on the brink but that brink doesn't have to be doom

20 Shots, No Comments.

this is the original sketch I drew up with the pencil holes thru the paper representing the twenty shots Clark took in sacramento (this is one of three in this notification series)

notification series: twenty shots, no comments.

few months ago a story of a young black man surfaced in sacramento, ca he was runnin from the cops who were chasing him with police cars & a police helicopter he ran to the backyard of his grandmas house whom at the time wasn't there, the door was locked so he couldn't get in twenty shots later he lied dead in his grandmothers backyard in innocent blood why innocent you ask oh the cops had the wrong guy an the phone they mistook for a gun called for twenty that's two sets of ten shots. they claimed he looked like a suspect that was called in breaking into cars & didn't halt when asked to the trial is still out on this one unfortunately with it becomin a norm its hard to hold our breath for justice my soul aches for the family of this young man he was only twenty two years old. i did this piece in memory of him because i live wit my grandma i couldn't imagine the trauma of her comin home to me dead in her garage where i work on my art... the two tones of red represent blood past & present past beginnin wit slavery in the states that was inhumane unlike the slavery in Africa see slaves in Africa was from a servitude stand point they were still viewed as humans an it was helping those serving get up on there feet to own their own shift to slaves in America they broke up families separated fathers from children husbands from wives raped the women impregnated the women an stuck them with the single parent responsibility oh the blood that's represented in the dark tone means it goes deep & it's been there for awhile the reality is those same patterns our playing out in the black community but honestly it's learned behavior aka history repeating its self an since the African American history continues to be neglected in education the cycles continue the lighter red tone in my piece represents the new blood of black men loosing their lives outta fear really an the list is long from trayvon martin (teenager minding his business) to jemel robinson (security guard doin his job twenty six years old college graduate who was a father of a nine month old son literally months away from his first birthday he will now grow up without a father) ohh the new blood is still wet nonetheless we press on the target on the young mans face represents how it feels right now as a black man & possibly how it felt back then as a black man this is why narratives like make america great again are so hard to hear for me specifically cause whom was it ever great for in the past? the white at the bottom is the hope the light of you look closely its in the shape of a downward arrow which is sayin for black men the hope can seem low right now ima black man an I have days where I'm like wtf?!? yet I believe in unconditional love which makes me a child of Him above all else an tho I don't understand the influx of black men dying more often when encountering police my hope comes in knowin He sees what's happenin an He has a plan for those without personal relationship I can't begin to fathom the emotional distress at this point cause im beyond words yet there still an inner peace that surpasses understanding I have an my hope is that all people would choose God personally for themselves i can guarantee it's not gonna make your life all peaches an cream bills are still finna be due pain is still experienced the difference wit God is He gives it all purpose and is workin all things together for our good so I rest in that truth an talk to him about everything from police brutality to the subliminal divisive undertones the media & our president are attempting to enlarge in our country an they're intense conversations but as i reflect on the history of our relationship I'm reassured He knows what He's doin despite my own understandin despite how i feel... lastly the comment bubble with the zero by it is reflection of the title twenty shots no comments if your hearing about this story of clark whom was shot in sacramento for the first time this detail is speaking to why is this the first time you're hearing about it news is quick to cover such an so athlete tour their hamstring the neighborhood newspaper boys bike got a flat this mornin I know I'm tired of talkin about these instances of injustice what can we do about em wit our actions how do i be a part of the solution for me i come to realize the real change starts within me the way I respond with what Gods given me such as art creativity a love for people an a personal relationship with Him so im using what i got to speak out on what is not yet an im doin so with my actions not so much my mouth Christ ain't say very much on that cross verbally  but his actions said a whole lot & have forever changed my eternity an can do the same for anybody my life is proof that hope exists, agape validates you.

How Powerful is Tha Mind?

Some would say how powerful are your feelings but how powerful tha mind that controls those feelings?

How powerful is the mind which controls my hands my feet the breaths I breathe tha choice to choose which chair I seat

How powerful is the mind divorce tha courts in which we file for child support custody wars all tha more decision after decision to own the floors of which humanity walks

How powerful is the mind that pushes me to do six sets of fifteen reps yet on the sixth set tries to tell me there's no more left

How powerful is the mind that lets me sleep in on my own work schedule but won't allow me to hit snooze for another's work schedule when I'm not at liberty to be my own boss

How powerful is the mind that I could come to know Christ as my personal Lord & Savior believe in prayer yet walk around depressed unsatisfied & feeling lost

How powerful is the mind to hold the weight of all this stress suppresses this mess im in & overthinkin without rest then suggest suicide is a feasible friend or worse a solution

How powerful is the mind see over time I've learned how I feel is attached to what I think about no wonder my parents were so quick to check everything brought into there house from music movies cards to whose these people you call ya friends how I feel is oxygen when it lines up with the truth of my reality casually it's easy to go off my feelings actually if "I don't feel it I won't do it" is commonly said throughout tha day yet how I feel can be real but that doesn't make it true what I'm saying is I can feel like I'm dying while eating  flavorless vegetables but the reality is they're not killing me or I can feel like I don't need to exercise but the reality is the way I eat & as much as I eat I need to workout at times I may not feel like getting up & going to work but my reality is I have goals and dreams I desire to see come to fruition so I should wake up and work sometimes I don't feel like being the bigger person an apologizing even if I may not of caused the drama yet I should step up an do so cause of the reality I've been called to by God my Father the mind is a powerful thing so beware what it takes the idle mind is a dangerous place... it's HEAVY.

(you prolly read this all in your head so I ask you again how powerful is tha mind?)

Day 001

Started off wrestling in bed as my body is nowhere near being use to getting up this early it's still dark out everything in me wants to roll over everything but this urgency of opportunity realizing today I'm as young as I'll ever be only growing older I gotta make these dreams reality an that's not bankin on hittin the lotto or going viral it's daily getting better in every area so I roll outta bed not cause i feel like it but because I kno if I don't then it's insanity in my head to continue hoping for somethin I'm putting no effort to grab the tools that got me here... my Bible & journal sit at a desk read thru Proverbs 10 & get smack with the simplicity of the truth that jumped of the page into my frontal lobe like one of those over dramatic squirrels that "attack" actors as they flip n flop over the reel.

Sat there in silence for a moment as I let the truth rotate understanding that we all get to a point in life where we gotta count the cost regardless what your pursuing the process will sit you down & make you count the cost, many, hundreds millions even will walk away when they understand what it is they're after but few will stay the course & those few are who we as humans idolize why not because they're superhuman although thas what the news would have you believe but it's cause they're just like you & me yet they persevered an we celebrate they're journey as a result I believe knowing deep down inside we are all faced with the same decision the question is will we see our pursuit to the end or walk away an regret it til tha buzzer blows

After realizing that what I'm after is next to impossible I finished writing in my journal prayed & threw my shoes on to go wit my little cousin to the gym he a freshman football player & im a former D1 student athlete whose walkin into tha gym for the 1st time in 2 months it feels good & nerve racking all at the same time & I love an hate it all at the sametime athletes understand the eagerness to get back to not just physically looking good but moreso that mental toughness you develop by acknowledging your feelings yet working beyond them consistently as I finished my intro to the gym my cousin went off to school I headed back to my aunt & uncles house with the same feeling about my dream to share my story & what life is teaching me in every season of life thru my artistry & fashion thru a brand named HEAVY. Meaning "Hope Exists, Agape Validates You." That's my own encouragement statement to myself in any or every season of my life an for the 1st time I know what a constant routine looks like as a entrepreneur an DAILY ACTION STEPS (which is pivotal) that I can go to sleep knowing I did all I can to get better today just like when I was a student athlete at WSU it's one thing to know what to do it's another to do it;

Showered read this Building small Business book for what felt like hours (was only 1) took notes that I'll review tonight began drawing new designs for HEAVY an my designs 9/10 start wit what I'm learnin which is a lot right now as we're headlining our 1st tour across college campuses on the west coast & TX but this design was more focused on today an thas that

"NOBODY GON PUT YOU ON!"

I say to myself "yeah it's wise to have mentors ppl to challenge all you do as well as encourage you & refresh you in your craft but for me to bank on somebody to just take my dream fund it then work on it harder than me for me is insane!! Like I mine as well live on social media in hopes to go viral or play the lotto wit ere dolla I get in hopes to make millions not saying that don't happen but it's usually neva followed up wit anything of substance to sustain the "blow up" I ain't looking for handouts hands up yes please cause this road will leave you on your face but if you make up in your mind Josiah that this is what we doin then this what we doin bruh..."

these the convos I have wit myself sometimes as a result of that being one of the many lessons I'm learnin I began drawing. For the first 20-25 mins had nothing was surfin old comics on google search engine for inspiration then it just started comin to me as I glanced over a few of my favorite artist's work & comic characters 3 hrs later I had my 1st rough draft sketch of a new design in months!!

Went outside to take a quick break was then stampeded by my little cousins who wanted to hangout wit me in the mini van & play app games on my phone guess this is their definition of quality time & I'll take it haha I love family especially mine for reasons like I can be myself around them & it's made up of individuals who other ppl wouldn't consider my family on paper but blood last names or birth certificates couldn't make us more family than what we are & I LUH DAT!! back to my cuzzos after 30 mins of gaming we headed back inside I had the intention of gettin back to my new written routine til my youngest cousin wanted to play which led to her riding on my shoulders up and down 2 flights of stairs then drawing Disney characters in moments I thought to myself what are you doin your ruining the schedule already then I realized that I was workin on my drawin skills was part of my schedule an doin it wit her was a bonus then I took a mental chill pill...

5pm snuck up on me called my business mentor & friend about the road life for the 1st time in 2 months outta fear of his schedule bein too busy etc etc but I'm learning we are just humans aka call the ppl you are thinkin about man regardless of schedule or social status! As I relayed my delay in making this call weeks earlier he laughed an told me he too had been thinkin of me funny how that works we spoke on business the conversations are always challenging yet I love them for that even tho I walk away feeling crazier than when I began because of the "reality" that this is hard work an it's not finna happen overnight back to that whole love hate relationship I explained I have about the gym was occurring during our conversation (sidebar: this is just another reason why I love/ hate workin out cause it's a direct parallel to life)

Right now it's 6:22pm the fam has already eaten without me I'll holla at yall later, as the journey continues I can assure you this is the artistry you've been waiting for... it's just gonna take more consecutive days; its HEAVY.

One LUH

Stone Age Poetry #tbt

I'm from under a rock

Uhaul

UPack

UFall

Ustress

UHurt

ULove

UWorkFedex

Mi fam was movin alot

Federal Way

Not born but raised

i can careless

a runAway

nobody care

From which I came

The Things you thank

when You live

from under a rock

It's deep

I peeped

Observed

An seen

We wanna be

Perceived n praised

For what we aren't

but

As for me

I'm from under a rock

I'm so

ISO

I sold

My soles

In hopes

To hold

Respect

Acceptance

Preference

Privilege

Instead I'm gettin

Rejected

Questioned

Hit wit

Racial jokes

words theyPoke

theyPrick

theyCut

theyShift the mind

Perspective is

I must survive

Live from under this Rock

parents is pot stickers

Others rollin pot

Little girl was usin white chalk

Police arrived

spot

Cop Killers

Drug dealers

Cops kill her

The innocent little girl

moms tellin em stop

Shot after shot

After shot after shot

How to get away w/ murder

1st hand as we all watch

Live on video

A second hand

would have a hard time readin the clock my

Mind is tickin tho

minutes seconds hours finished

pictures

what I'm paintin

when I'm sayin

I'm from under a rock

Can you hear me

I'm from under a ROCK!!!

the pressure on the top

is it oppression

Nah the pressure is God

Depression is not

Uncommon to

But common too

The voiceless

those from under the rock

don't care if you served the nation

Doctors lose they patience

all the while prescribing patients

in comparison we pay cents

to what hospitals be makin

Why they ask for ethnicity on these

job applications

Questions I ask live from under a rock

Why me scared?

Why me care?

What others think?

If they blink stink & link they problems to their fears?

Just like me?

Why me fear?

Why so secure?

Why me here?

Are You near?

Where You there?

Is there fares?

Is it a fair?

Hidden fees?

Can I believe?

The love affair?

Does hope exists?

Where Agape lives?

How me validate this parkin?

Am I late?

To love or hate?

Despite it all?

Can I still be myself?

Live from under The Rock?

Mr. Observerson's Class

Sat back an observed as I normally do

Was on the couch when I observed the normally news

Thought to myself

"am I one to conform to the conformity crew?

Or will I go against the grain & shift lies to conform to tha truth?"

Ironic how people question these 15 second videos with thousands of views & discredit countless accounts of witness who claim the black boy didn't do what they'd assumed

*still lost his life tho he complied before they had chosen to shoot*

back to the comfort of your unoppressed perspective on a hill with a marvelous view

While we kill hate & steal from the lack of good food that's

Food for thought in fact it's Kool if you question these clips as you search for the truth

Yet if you don't question the news that has hours to tell selected narratives & millions of views

then please ask yourself are you even on the same scoreboard when it comes to equality's point of view?

Just a thought as I sat back an observed as I normally do

A child asked Mr Observerson who is under normally's rule?

Ooo Is it the intelligent, the insane, the kind, or the true?

Another child asked Is it me, the authorities, is it grandma, or is it you?

His friend chimed in is it pastors, is it teachers, is it peers, is it fools? 

Is it human beings as a whole since that time we fell for the fruit?

Mr Observerson how can one be truer than true it seems 12 years of education is enslavement to stay under normallys rule

in my years of education they didn't teach me how to improve

they merely taught me too survive & it seems as even that is a fluke

I'm in more debt than when I started with no knowledge to prove

that I'm worthy of approval for good credit but what about my credits from school?

Those don't count for nothin?

How come not one of them taught me how to fill out a W2,

Educate us on property taxes

or how to invest into myself instead of these corporations full of money with no desire to help me or you

they just wanna continue too

The..the-y they wanna continue ta

OOOOUUU

hold up!!!

wait a minute!

are they the founders & owners of this "normallys rule" now that I think about I remember all of my 9-5 interviews

they be like

"What's your 5 year plan"

"What do you hope to accomplish in 2?"

"Are you willing to sacrifice your dreams and ambitions so we can continue to do

what we do

which is blind you to your original vision take your heart an ambition than use

what we can & when we're finished tell you we're headed in different direction as some sorta excuse

to fire you when the new college graduate can more quickly do what you do?"

"Oh whoops our mistake seems you didn't meet all the rules that qualify you for retirement  guess you'll have to figure that out too" "But hey your 60 now maybe you can start using those tools that you had when you were 20 to create something new

good luck

an make sure to leave a positive comment on yelp in your exit review

We'd hate to withhold your last check cause you failed to do what we asked you

Who put you in charge normally how long have you blinded us to

this reality that we never ever more than once will be 23 22

34

35

46

52

O whoops you caught me but now you've gotta a family & grandkids on the way you can't afford to stop what you do

yeah yeah yeah you had dreams they were really well thought out an unscrewed from normalitys thinking you could've changed the score with all those sincere points of view

but you didn't so sorry you know what just sit back on your favorite couch

O look at what just came on Sports News

there you go that's it

"But wait I'm not thru... what are you doin turn that tv off"

At-at-at take it easy youve had a long day you need to rest

there you go put your feet up eat some comforting food

& just continue to observe as you normally do in minutes you'll forget all about how to execute

besides, you know as well as me, this is the way of the normally rule.

Sat Here Day Three

I'ma fool

full of lies

full of truth

knowin there's no line in the sand for bendin broken rules

pedalin the metal for acceptance of some other fools

ironic that's exactly who we place on pedestals

hmmm

Ima fool for lettin her good looks be the fuel

my reasonin to pursue knowin she was neva really true

insecure

thinkin social media made her kool Ima fool to think I could change her heart's score thru my points of views

full off food they force fed us in the schools as they focus on the money wit education as the tool

how we suppose to learn

how we suppose to turn

from the systems that leave us burned

how can we teach ourselves Gods Love can't be earned

see

Am I fool

for thinkin the latter could be true

cause I work for everything else what's one more addition to the pool

of tha weights I'm tryna carry

by myself

"You need help" asks God

"Nah im Kool"

I reply

like a little kid stuck up in a little lie

when he says he can do it on his own outta pride

what a fool

oh wait a second that kid isnt you... Josiah

you worry an you stress as if that could add a cube...it

to your solution but that's the problem you're a fool

just admit that you're fool

an maybe you can begin to fill this void that's not been full

off any of these temporarily temporary pointless shallow vain pursuits

the money

the social status

the respect of other fools who can't control whether they see today or tomorrow sounds like the making of a....

nvm

see wisdom is admitting you don't know as much as you think you do i mean even if you did how much of that do you really execute 

& to not look down upon but recognize that we have all played the fool 

God can use even You (as in US) to do what He said He'd do

He's the original Creator of Heavy Artistry takes the old & makes it new; 

"Hope Exists, Agape Validates You." #OneLoveWeHEAVY

Son of a B....roken Place

"is it not crazy to think that this kid will only be seen as cute in photos cause now that he's full grown cute has gone out the window, media calls him a threat based upon how he looks their narrative couldn't be more clearer I call him a friend; he's a honest man, this man in the mirror..."  

Dear Daddy,

my brothers & sister aren't the same color as me but that's by your design right? the world needs you as desperately as I need you & I need you even more desperately than the world because all though I'm not of the world I'm in this world that says blue lives matter that all live matters yet black lives don't? Weren't we all made in your image? Don't you command us to make disciples of all tribes & nations? They fight for the rights of animals at least the ones they care about I mean you can lose your professional career get sent to jail for fighting dogs yet they provide supplies to go hunting these days those that look like me Dad are treated less justly then the dogs killed because at least they're killers were sent to jail yet those that kill us seem to get a jail free card with paid leave... It hurts Dad the last positive media of us on tv was Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Cosby Show, Different World, Smart Guy, Proud Family... Why don't my "lighter" sisters & brothers let me hurt or even express? Why must they act like they know it all with the same information that I have yet anytime I make a statement I'm not seeing the "full picture" that's never given cause the news is slanted? Why don't they grieve when I do why can't we take a step in each other's shoes? Since when has opinion become facts & facts opinions? They tell me don't assume you don't have all the info but I never said I did in fact I understand where they're coming from because I place my self in their shoes to better understand there perspective yet I'm forced to only learn part of history from the books they use in schools they so quickly brush over the land that was stolen from natives or foundations laid by slaves ironically the flag they find so much pride in has never given us the full story yet I'm the one who gets called out for assuming? stating opinions not facts? Ahhhh sometimes I just wanna yell sock a punching bag go to the gym release the emotions of frustration confusion anger pain but even after all that I feel I haven't helped move us as humans move in the right direction... I'm inadequate to do so without you I need you daddy desperately... Help me... Please idk what to do as your son I can't even imagine what those who don't know you are experiencing its dark down here daddy but I know you have me here for a reason help me be the light you've called me too... I'm tired of hearing we need to pray more cause that seems to suggest to do less in this community Ima apart of but maybe we can pray more & do that which we are asking to get done is that so wrong? Thanks for listening Daddy I love you show me how to love me & love all my neighbors as I love myself

Sincerely,

A letter from a little broken heart